'Rivals’ Most Quotable Moments Are Your Afternoon Delight

The David Tennant-led Rivals is funny, clever, and quotable. Although the biggest draws are arguably the shirtless men and countless sex scenes, author Dame Jilly Cooper is a witty one, and her source material is ripe with textual play, which translates well onscreen. Tennant’s character, Lord Tony Baddingham, steals the show with some of the absolute funniest and most iconic lines. As the resident baddie, Tony’s ferocious dialogue is often meant to intimidate, but can sometimes be intended to inspire. Tony clings to his power and status whilst challenged by his nemesis, Rupert Campell-Blank (Alex Hassell), which leads to a host of showdowns, show-ups, and class warfare.

But it’s not just Tennant chewing the scenery: his fellow castmates give as good as they get, slinging barbed arrows in return. Tony’s wife, Lady Monica (Claire Rushbrook), delivers a couple of lines that almost go unnoticed, flying under the radar in Rushbrook’s brilliant and understated performance. She blends her upper crustiness with a sharp tongue, often countering or undercutting Tony’s harshness with deft, measured retorts. 

After a tantrum, when Tony wants Monica to tell whoever’s calling to f*ck off, she replies: “I would, darling, but it’s Margaret Thatcher.” These recurrent moments of drollery make Rivals fun and well worth a rewatch. 

Here are ten of the best quotable moments from the show.

“Why shoot you now when I can wait and have you savaged by an Irish Wolfhound?” (Tony, Episode 4)

At a high-stakes pheasant hunt, Tony tries to prove himself the biggest man on campus when Rupert shows up late and unexpectedly with Tony’s half-brother Basil (Luke Pasqualino). By this point, Rupert has agreed to be interviewed live on Declan’s (Aidan Turner) talk show, and Tony jokes that he wouldn’t mind adding two cuckoos to the list of games he’s shot. Rupert fires back: then he couldn’t appear on Tony’s “little chat show” – after which Tony delivers the stinger.

“Rather a nasty virus that everyone’s wife caught sooner or later.” (Monica, Episode 2)

Speaking of Rupert, Monica dresses him down to Declan with this little doozy at a dinner party – out of Rupert’s earshot, naturally. Seeing Monica’s tea-spilling, shade-throwing side is always fun and good for a giggle. Declan later uses her exact quote when interviewing Rupert on his show, firing it like a weapon.

“Everything’s a war.” (Tony, Episode 3)

On the heels of a raucous New Year’s Eve party at Declan’s, Tony is leaving with Monica and their son Archie (Louis Landau). Archie was partying with the other children, notably Declan’s daughter Caitlin (Catriona Chandler) and Shelley Makepiece (Emma Shipp), one of the help. Tony warns his son not to fraternize with them, indicating they’re below his station. When Archie complains it’s not a war, his father snaps off this line.

“I’ve donated eye-watering sums to the Tory party. It’s not the public that decides which way the election goes, is it?” (Tony, Episode 2)

 Tony is addressing his inner circle at Corinium Television, trying to figure out how to get Margaret Thatcher to sit for a Declan interview. Tony’s easy disregard for the voting process is a perk of his social standing, new as it may be to aristocrats like Rupert. His star producer Cameron (Nafessa Williams), is aghast, making him follow these lines with the rather funny, “Alright, stop staring at me, f*ck off.”

“Why the f*ck are you all wearing swimwear? Party’s over!” (Tony, Episode 7)

After Tony finds out that Declan, Rupert, and Freddie Jones (Danny Dyer) are bidding for his television franchise, he’s livid. He’s been throwing a summer pool party and gathers all his employees inside. “No is to speak to anyone from…what the f*ck are they called? Venturer…sounds like a brand of johnnies!” When no one jumps to immediate action, Tony snaps and throws everyone out.

“Look at you all. A drunk, and a weak, and a washed-up showjumper. All you’ve got in common is overblown ego. I’d enjoy destroying you all, but you’ll implode all by yourselves.” (Tony, Episode 7)

Tony approaches Basil to join the Corinium board, but his brother reveals he’s just signed with Venturer because they value him as an asset. Plus, Rupert has promised to put on polo, which Tony never would. Tony addresses Declan, Freddie, and Rupert, trying to regain the upper hand.

"You were supposed to be my f*cking eyes and ears. Get better reports from Helen f*cking Keller!" (Tony, Episode 8)

After Corinium goes head-to-head against Venturer for the rights to bid on the franchise Tony runs, he’s furious, convinced they’ve just lost. Tony stomps through the halls with his right-hand man, Ginger (Antony Byrne), in tow. Ginger was supposed to be ferreting dirt on Tony’s employees and the competition, but Ginger missed the biggest scoop of all: Cameron is sleeping with Rupert (though Tony doesn’t say that part aloud).

Lady Hermione: “So, how long do you spend on a cock?” 
Lady Baddingham: “Generally speaking, I can finish one off in 15 minutes or less. But my hands aren’t as quick as they used to be.” (Lady Hermione and Monica, Episode 4)

Pheasants. Lady Hermione (Olivia Poulet) is asking about pheasants. Ahem.

During the big hunt, a near-dead pheasant lands at Monica’s feet. She picks it up and swings it by its head, breaking its neck swiftly to kill it completely. Lizzie (Katherine Parkinson) and Sarah (Emily Atack) listen in and giggle.

Lady Monica: “What does she feed those enormous gladiolas? “
Tony: “The same thing she feeds the children.” (Monica and Tony, Episode 8)

Tony and Monica are watching the tapes of Corinium’s interview with Valerie Jones (Lisa McGrillis), Freddie’s wife, in a program about English country gardens. Valerie and Freddie’s two children are a bit chubby, hence Tony’s very 80s-era fat joke.

“Revenge is a dish best served on television.” (Tony, Episode 2)

 Mic dropped.

When Declan learns that Rupert groped his daughter Taggie (Bella Maclean), he goes a bit mad and wants to kill him. Tony and Cameron step in, with Cameron convincing Declan to “interview him to death.” Tony then redirects Declan’s anger. If he beats him up, who sees? But a live interview? “You can flay him in front of 16 million people. That’s where you destroy him, and it lasts a f*ck of a lot longer than a black eye.”

“People used to sit around the fire for our stories. Now we sit around the television. We point our chairs at the corner of the room, and that is where we commune. Television has the power to bring us together. To help us forgive each other. To give us a window into others’ lives. To bring new ideas into our homes. It is, I believe, the greatest art form mankind has created.” (Declan, Episode 8)

That speech. The one Declan gives in Episode 8 when it looks like Tony’s just out-debated Venturer in their big showdown for the franchise. This speech is a love letter to television, and an unusually genuine moment in an otherwise fluffy tale.

All episodes of Rivals Season 1 are streaming on Hulu and on Disney+ under the Hulu tile in the U.S.