A Horny "Bread Week" Judges 'The Great British Baking Show's Buns

I will be the first to say that, though it took Channel 4 three tries before they got there, Noel Fielding and Alison Hammond are the network's answer to Sue & Mel during the BBC years of The Great British Baking Show. Sure, the Barbie opening was a full year dated by the time they got around to it. Maybe they aren't always perfect, but the "Bake It Til You Make It" opening for Bread Week (and all the song titles contained therein) was utterly delightful. I genuinely hope that "Yeast of Burden" or "Purple Grain" gets the full musical treatment in Season 2 of The Completely Made Up Adventures of Dick Turpin.

As for Bread Week, it's the yearly challenge that kind of made Paul Hollywood the character he is in the series; the BBC had made him out to be some kind of carb guru in those early years to build him up to something that could be seen as equal to Mary Berry. (Spoiler: He's not.) When the series moved house, Channel 4, not knowing any better, treated what was a bit tongue-in-cheek as some kind of indisputable fact. Everything about how Paul acts in this episode is a microcosm of his inability to make the show anything other than all about himself, and why he's become the 600lb gorilla in the tent.

However, Bread is one of the three staples of baking prowess, along with Biscuits and Cakes, so let's politely avert our eyes when Prue Leith is unable to stop her co-judge from getting handsy with the buns and see who rises and who fails to proof.

The Signature Challenge for this week is to make one dozen identical savory buns, so at least we will get the Not Safe For Work judging out of the way early and the double entendres front and center. The buns need to be yeasted ones, but that's the only mandate: Shape, style, and flavor are all baker's choice. Whether these buns will be unusually shaped remains to be seen, and as always, the Signature is judged on a pass/fail metric.

• Georgie: Pesto Brunch Buns (Pass) I know she's Paul's favorite, but she does know bread; these are the first things she's made worthy of staying.
• Illiyin: Jamaican Brown Chicken Buns (Pass) I would buy these in a bodega. Paul and Prue are stunned at how good they are and at her very smart use of fried chicken skin.
• Mike: Baaa-o Buns (Pass) Paul notes the bread is very "tight" but needs to be thick to hold in the filling, which is a bit spicy for Prue.
• John: Yamas! Buns (Fail) Bread is not John's strong suit, and it shows. The filling also shrank a lot, leaving some practically empty.
• Andy: Maisie's Mini Salami Buns (Pass) The bread is beautifully fluffy, and Prue says she could eat it all afternoon.
• Gill: Bury Black Pudding Buns (Pass) They're beautifully baked, and the black pudding pairs perfectly with her spices.
• Sumayah: Sunflower Buns (Fail) None of her buns match; the filling is delicious but dry, and the buns are under-proved.
• Nelly: Ethnic Harmony Buns (Pass) Her buns are ok but better dipped in her sauce.
• Christiaan: Mushroom & Sage Pesto Buns (Pass) They're all different sizes, but that's the only complaint Paul can muster.
• Dylan: Gochujang & Garlic Buns (HANDSHAKE) He was all critical of himself, but Paul loves them and gives out the handshake he knew he couldn't give Georgie.

Paul's insistence that he's being stingy with the handshakes and resorting to "patting" Georgie was cringe as hell, mainly because it was so apparent that he finds her attractive. Dylan's actual handshake almost made up for it. Almost.

This week's Technical Challenge, set by Paul, begins unusually: The Gingham Altar already has something on it, covered up just like the ingredients the bakers are given. Moreover, Noel and Alison don't kick Paul and Prue out before revealing they're being asked to make a seven-stranded plaited wreath. It turns out that since the bakers are only given the most basic of instructions, the only one who might have been Jewish and made Challah, the Bronx-born John, is gone, and Danish-born Sandi Toksvig was two hosts ago, Paul will demo how to plait bread. Noel gives him a handshake when he's done, and then the judges are sent off to await for the blind judging.

Let us see who can braid their bread and who winds up with a giant knot.

10. Dylan: His bread split, ruining the wreath look.
9. John: There's no hole in the middle; it looks like a giant croissant
8. Christiaan: Too soft and pale, not defined enough.
7. Mike: The plaiting is spot on, but everything else is ok.
6. Georgie: Zero definition, but well baked.
5. Gill: The hole is too small, but it's there.
4. Illiyin: The hole is too big, but it has a good texture.
3. Andy: The braid is very uneven, but otherwise, it's decent.
2. Sumayah: The braid isn't perfect; otherwise, it's lovely.
1. Nelly: The only one who's made plaited bread before, and it shows.

Dylan's handshake will probably mitigate this poor showing; John and Mike's low scores are far more worrying. (John admits he's not a bread person, and his goal is simply to come out the other side.)

For the Showstopper Challenge, the judges have asked for a "Bread Cornucopia Display" with at least two different kinds of bread in it. The horn should be one kind of bread, and the bread inside it should be a different kind. But, of course, the bakers can make anything they want to put in the horn of plenty, as long as it's bread, not fruit. Most are making at least two kinds of buns to put inside the horn, which means almost everyone is aiming for three types of bread at minimum. They have four hours, but that will be tight when you're trying to proof and bake three different doughs at once, and that's not even considering the multiple bakers who plan on plaiting their horns.

This is an intense challenge; most of the bakers are super panicky by the time the final hour arrives, and Andy legitimately starts crying over the state of his American Horn as time is called.

Let's see who's horns are worthy of Paul's love and which ones are empty vessels.

Nelly’s Cornucopia: Her horn is gorgeous, with delicate vines swirling all over, and her poppy seed buns are divine, even if there's quite a shocking amount of seeds inside. Paul is over the moon about her different bread textures and how they work with their respective fillings, calling it "Spectacular."

Georgie’s My Favourite Things Cornucopia:  Bread really is Georgie's strongest area; the horn is perfectly shaped, like store-window level, and her buns are delicious like they're out of a bakery shop levels of good. No wonder Paul is hot for her and was determined to keep her, at least to this point in the competition.

Mike’s Zeus’s Horn: His horn is also well-made, as are his buns. However, his stretch goal, the fougasse (that's the style of French flatbread usually seen in leaf shapes), really did not come out right, and Paul is going to dock him for that one, calling the texture all wrong "for a fougasse."

Illiyin’s Bread Cornucopia: Her horn is decent-looking, and she managed to pull it off despite her doubts. Her buns inside have some lovely North African flavors (ones Prue can handle!) that simply stun Paul into not finding anything bad to say about her overall presentation.

Gill’s All-Day Holiday Cornucopia: It's neat as a pin, even if the horn is smaller than everyone else's. Her buns are less good, underprovided, and over-tight. Paul notes that she played it very safe with her choices, but that's not an insult. He means she knows herself as a baker and where her strengths lie and chose wisely.

Christiaan’s Wildflower Delights: The horn is good-looking, and some of the flowers are decent, if a bit childlike in design. But then there are the ones that look like bread murder victims, as if this was GBBO: CSI. Prue says they're supposed to be orchids, and Paul protests because they look nothing like orchids.

Sumayah’s Friendship & Family: This one is bloody perfect, and I will hear nothing against it. That plaited horn is just perfection, and the pink buns look like they were made in a French bakery. Paul finds all sorts of things wrong with the flavors, but he can go sit in a corner and think about how to get Georgie through next week.

Dylan’s Cat Cornucopia: Much like his Signature, Dylan was close to a breakdown over how "badly" he thinks he did and looks slightly dazed when Prue declares she hopes it tastes as good as it looks. Paul says it looks "expensive," and the flavors match the looks. "You're quite a little bread baker!" he exclaims.

Andy’s New York, Neeeeew Yooooooork: His horn is way too small and pretty messy, and his pretzels are not pretzels; they're cinnamon buns that happen to be shaped like pretzels. His focaccia is not a focaccia, and his pizza buns, which are enormous next to the tiny horn, are too large and overwhelm the flavor with too much bread.

John’s Horn of Pride: Poor John. His LGBTQ+ pride-themed horn is like a miniature version of everyone else's, and though his colors are great and give it a fun styling, it is clearly not even close to what everyone else made, which is deeply depressing. It looks like the amateur entry at the local neighborhood competition, the one everyone smiles at and no one eats. Also, his bagels (which, let's be real, were a sly rebuke to the "rainbow bagels for the NHS" nonsense from the pandemic years) just failed to come out at all.

This week sucks because there isn't anyone who failed all the way through except John (Andy's horn was bad, but his Signature was fine), and no one who should, based on the first three episodes, deserves to leave first. (You can argue about Georgie, but she is good at baking bread and deserves to be safe this week. (We'll see about after that, as next week will be Caramel Week.) Dylan gets Star Baker, which is well deserved, though Nelly was a close second. As for John, he's out, but he exits the tent with his head held high.

The Great British Baking Show continues with new episodes every Tuesday in the U.K. and Friday in the U.S. on Netflix through the end of November.